(The Human Person Notebook)
When I was in college, I got in an interesting discussion with some friends about whether or not you should say please and thank you when someone owes you something, such as someone a returning a tool they borrowed from you. My thought at the time, which I actually still agree with today, is that we should make these courtesies, in part as a way of acknowledging the other person’s humanity. It’s also a really healthy thing to appreciate when things are going right; when people do what is right and just; when the trains are actually on time.
Accountability
Accountability is owning our mistakes and working to repair any damage we’ve done, even unintentionally. A culture of accountability provides a virtuous cycle that makes it easier for everyone to do the right thing. (See “Say I’m Sorry” below.)
Appreciation
Thanking people even for little things builds stronger relationships and can have a big impact on the wider culture. Our world has a lot of gaps in what it values – especially things that can’t be measured by financial impact. But many of the most important things in this world have no direct relation to finances. Appreciation is a kind of currency that highlights and encourages more of what we value the most.
Misunderstandings
I think a very large percentage of conflict today is at least partially caused by misunderstanding. Misunderstandings are ridiculously common and can be caused by hearing problems, high emotions, tired brains, and anyone’s particular limitations of any sort. You and the person you are communicating with are both imperfect people. Make space for those imperfections and, as Treebeard would say, “Don’t be hasty.” Take the time to ask clarifying questions, especially before taking any kind of serious action.
Say I’m Sorry
Apologies are absolutely essential to human relationships. We all mess up and hurt each other. Apologies are critical to mending relationships and healing wounds.
The intention of the person who did something hurtful doesn’t affect how much that thing hurts. Take responsibility, apologize, and see what you can do to make things better.
There’s some concern today about not over-apologizing. Fair! Within certain parameters, you can thank someone for their patience or understanding when you’ve inconvenienced them or burdened them with a challenging puzzle. But a thank you is absolutely no substitute for an apology when someone has been hurt, mistreated, or unfairly blamed for something. It can be incredibly destructive to try to make it so. And like all good rules of thumb, the avoidance of over-apologizing can be taken too far, perhaps best illustrated with a little humor…
Say Please and Ask for Help
This isn’t just about using nice words but about the importance of asking for help from others and from God. We were made to need each other and there’s a kind of love present in asking for and receiving help as well as in offering help. They both work together and ideally there’s a kind of implicit agreement in our faith that if we taken turns helping and receiving help when needed everything works better for everyone.
In terms of prayer, we naturally ask God to help those we are praying for, but sometimes we forget that it’s good to pray for our own needs as well. Don’t forget really crucial ones like, please help me pray more, love more, trust more. Please give me the courage to do the hard thing that I know I should do.
In our humanness, praying intensely for someone we love can seem to intensify our worry for them. Don’t stop praying for them, but it can help to mix in some prayers of thanksgiving for having them in your life.
Asking for help is something that we also want to help normalize for others who may be struggling in some way – particularly getting professional help. There’s such a stigma around mental health that a lot of times we think of mental health as pretty much the same thing as mental illness.
Say Thank You
See the Story of the Ten Lepers from Luke 17:11
Sincerity and Warmth
I think this comes especially from taking the time to acknowledge the other person as a person. You value them. You are happy to help. You may even be glad they asked for help. Just let that come through in a genuine way. We don’t talk about these concepts much, but they have a big impact.
Small Catholic 